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POSITIVE PARENTING
By Dr. Dick Hardel
Metro Lutheran
Mike Sherer, Editor
March, 1998

A number of years ago I attended a seminar on the healing power of laughter and play led by Dr. Norman Cousins. Dr. Cousins was adjunct professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral science at UCLA. He died at age 75 on November 30, 1990. He became best known for his bestselling book, Anatomy of an Illness: As Perceived by the Patient, and his work in holistic healing and health.

At the workshop I attended Dr. Cousins mentioned that he discovered that the body cannot maintain both negative emotions and positive emotions at the same time. Negative emotions are so strong that even a simple word or two, like: cancer, terminal, can cause the blood vessels to constrict and the body to go into panic. If the negative is so powerful, so must the positive. In dealing with a person's disease we must help them line up positive emotions. Every time Dr. Cousins would list the positive emotions, he would say, "The positive emotions are these: love, faith, hope, laughter, creativity, playfulness, will to live." God has given within each person the tools for healing.

A family is very much like a body. Negative emotions can cause family relationships to constrict, the members scatter, and fear can cause the relationships to be damaged. Parents are too often quick to catch their children in unacceptable behavior and pointing out how wrong they have been. If a child only hears the negative response of a parent or other adult care-giver, what happens to the family as a body or system? What are the unspoken understandings of the relationships?

It is very important for parents to give clear boundaries to children and to hold them responsible for the consequences of breaking the family boundaries. But it is equally important for parents to intentionally catch their children doing things well and giving them positive words and emotions. Children need to know what positive behavior parents expect of them and to know when they have met the positive expectations of their parents.

This is more than giving a couple words of praise occasionally. This is about intentionally growing together as a healthy family, supporting each other with positive family communication, and celebrating their relationship together. When children or youth experience positive family communication, they will continue to seek the advice and counsel from their parents. "One of the things I saw you do today, that was so wonderful was...," should be a part of family conversation every day. Children should catch their parents doing something well and let them know they appreciated it.

Positive Family Communication Activities

1. At evening prayer time with children, verbally list the wonderful things a child has done well and thank God for this child and for the opportunity to grow together.
2. As a family list all the dirt-ball jobs which need to be done for the family. Each month list who in the family will be responsible for each difficult task. Say a prayer aloud for each family member and the tasks that they do for the whole family.
3. Add a Good News section on the refrigerator door. Put a smile face or some other symbol on the name of a family member and write a note, "I saw you do this wonderful thing today...." Thank you for being you and a member of this family."
4. For family positive communication time on evening, sit in a circle and each family member has an opportunity to be in the center. Each family member shares something positive about the person in the center.
5. Teach one another how to be intentional about expressing positive things each other does. List a variety of ways of affirming one another. "That was very kind." "I enjoyed laughing with you." "That was thoughtful." "I like it when you..." "I love to hug you when..." "It was fun to work with you."